I just love Autumn :)
“Every leaf speaks bliss to me, fluttering from the autumn tree”
-Emily Bronte
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Tags: autumn, nature, photo, Photography, quote
-midnight email-
Just thought I’d tell you I love you and I miss you and I want to be
with you and I want to marry you and I want to have your babies and I
want to grow old with you and sit in rocking chairs and throw rocks at
the hooligans that trespass on our yard (unless our kids put us in
retirement homes before we can). But mostly for right now I want to
just be with you and I want to be in your arms and I want you to kiss
my forehead and make me feel better and make me feel like the rest of
the world doesn’t matter and that I’m just imagining all the stupid
stuff I hate.
Anyways. I love you. Muah <3
Ashley
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Tags: corny, email, Love, mushy, to my baby
Turning Myself In
So, here I am…a scared little lost girl.
I had it all one time, I really did. To get to my point, I’m going to have to start where I gradually started losing it all…about this time last year.
I did have it all. Well, not in the same sense most people would see it…but I had what I considered “all”. I had a job I enjoyed, I lost almost 100lbs, I just started dating the most wonderful guy in the world. I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. God had really blessed me. Most importantly I had God…and He had me.
But I let things slip and after a few months I was doing things I shouldn’t have been doing…things I would have never dreamed of seeing myself do. I, of course, am not getting into those things…the main thing is I had slipped away, slowly but oh-so-very-fast, away from God. At first, it was little things that would prevent me from church…then I would fall asleep without praying…or I had to get my schoolwork done before reading my bible. I know you guys are reading this thinking “good grief, that’s it?” but really, these are things that are pretty essential to having a relationship with God (you know, since you can’t just call Him up and ask Him how His day was…).
I began to let myself go. I got depressed because I knew deep down my relationship with God was deteriorating. I would eat because I was depressed (I’m a comfort eater…so shoot me), obviously gaining the weight back that I worked so hard to lose. Which got me more depressed. I started lashing out at people (even my own boyfriend). I felt empty. I felt there was no reason I should be here since I’m not doing God’s will (I feel like I should be doing something…and I’m not). I couldn’t feel God anymore. I was stuck in a rut that was too deep to climb out of. God wasn’t going to forgive me, or at least that’s how I felt.
Honestly, I still feel like that today. I read my friend’s blogs or bulletins about all the things God is doing for them in their life…and I feel nothing but pure jealousy. It’s not fair that I’m sitting here struggling while they reap all kinds of benefits. But I felt more jealousy towards the fact that I had that relationship with God and I ruined it. I know how it feels to truly feel God moving within you and to feel His joy radiating from my heart. And I was jealous that I didn’t have that.
But I read something today…a devotional about “turning yourself in”. More or less, it’s about God’s forgivness…all it takes it a truly penitent heart. It requires humilty. And if you will just ask, God will give you the will and ability to do His plan. It even goes on to say that several men and women were greatly used by God after returning to Him…and that it’s possible because they understand most what God’s forgiveness is since they were able to experience it firsthand.
So here it is…I’m turning myself in. No more living on the run from an all-seeing God. This is not going to be easy…but God will help me see it through.
*Just a side note: I’m not looking for a religious debate. This is my personal blog and I don’t appreciate someone throwing off on religion just to look like a know-it-all. Don’t agree with what you read? Then, while you’re on a blog site…create a blog about it. All discouraging, unethical, or just-plain-rude comments WILL be deleted. Thanks 
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Tags: christianity, God, Life, Religion, sin, turning myself in
I know they said
…college wasn’t going to be easy…but good grief! Actually, I’m not having such a huge problem with it. It’s just sociology. Dummy me, thought it would be a great idea to take this class since I’m going to be teaching. It’s actually not that bad of a class. It’s just the professor. We have a week to finish a chapter, do the outline, then take an online test (which honestly I thought wasn’t going to be that bad…until I realized the chapters are TWO CENTURIES LONG!!). I just spent 5 hours yesterday morning AND this morning (that’s two of my sleep-in on the weekend days, folks) just trying to get it finished! Top that with work, two other classes of homework, then the troubles and drama that come along with boyfriends, friends, family, and homelife. It’s great, really. 
Anyways, I shouldn’t complain…I could still be out of school. But I’m making sure that DOESN’T happen again. I love the idea of being able to teach kids later. And hopefully I’ll be getting my career in photography started sometime in the future (because there’s no way I have time for it now – except for the once-in-a-while gigs…I’m way too disorganized for it right now, lol).
But I’m certainly ready to be through with school and get my teaching career going, so I can be financially ready and we can get married!
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Tags: ambitions, career, goals, Life, rant, school
Brownies are NOT your friends…
It’s not the best idea in the world to have an office this close to the breakroom. Especially when there are so many good treats employees leave for everyone. I know, they’re just trying to be nice, but their generosity is probably my worst nightmare.
There it is. A brownie. There’s only one ooey-gooey square of chocolatey goodness left. No one else has taken it, as if to only further taunt me and my weight-loss goals.
Of course the people who built this place is totally in on it too. They built this office some 30 years ago in such a way that I would have to cross the breakroom table everytime I have to make copies.
And I can’t help but look at it. I could almost swear I heard it calling me. “Ashleyyy…come away with meee…imagine my warm chocolate body in between your teeeethhhh… You know you want meee!”
“No!” I yell. I noticed the receptionist looking up. I have to avert my eyes to the copy room to lessen my chances of looking crazy.
I can almost smell it at my desk. It reminded me of when my dad used to make them for me. I took in a slow, deep breath. I could at least savor the smell, right?
I try to take my mind off of it. I try to imagine how many calories it has and just where exactly these calories are going to make a home on my body. Not helping. Then I almost convince myself that someone has laced it with laxatives…but I then begin to wonder if going to the bathroom was worth the chocolate. Ah, the sign of a true addict…
“Hi, I’m Ashley…and I’m addicted to chocolate. And sweets. And pretty much anything food-related.
Fried rice? Oh, you meant twice. Cake?! Oh, you said you were going to the lake…”
Yeah, food addicts anonymous would kick me out for sure. (Just a side note…if it’s anonymous then why do they ask you to introduce yourself?)
Finally! 3:00pm…another day of breakroom sweets avoided. Maybe I’ll stop for some ice cream on the way home as a reward…
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So, basically I planned on starting a personal blog a few months ago but totally forgot about it. It’s hard enough to keep up with a photoblog! But I thought I’d give it shot. I figured I’d start off with letting you guys get to know a little more about me via “list-of-conformity”. Whatev. Maybe you’ll be intrigued, maybe not. But feel free to list your own!
1.
I don’t like American Idol (or any other singing reality show, for that matter) or any of the big-time contestants that made something of themselves (I got a copy of a Kelly Clarkson CD one time – I wasn’t impressed!)
2.
I totally dance in my underwear in my room (this usually makes me late for work jk )
3. Sometimes I don’t buy music.
4. There have been times that, during church, I just wanted to be at home in bed.
5.
I hate reality shows. But no matter how much I hate them I still get sucked into them if I watch enough.
6. I love the smell of just lit cigarettes and just blown-out matches. I don’t smoke.
7. Sometimes I miss high school. And marching band.
8. I still love coloring (I have crayons and a coloring book).
9.
Sometimes, I wonder if the choices I’ve made (for the future, relationships I’ve made, etc) are actually good choices. It scares me to think that I’ve made a bad choice and that it will effect me permanently.
10. I’m a total goody-goody…and I’m proud of that.
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Just a starter post…
Just to see how the blog will look.
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